Since Greg and I both have budding almost sixteen year old daughters who yearn to be behind the wheel,we’re keenly aware of the issues.

I’ve got an idea:  Let’s wait until our children show the very first signs of emotional maturity, some of which actually last for, oh thirty to sixty minutes at a stretch. Let’s take them nearly a decade before their brains have completely settled into full cognitive and affective function at a time when their hormones are most seriously raging…, and then let’s put them behind the wheel of a 2000 lb. killing machine!  Sounds like the government’s being effective again.

Local Psychologist and Mid Ohio Race Driver trainer, Dr. Eric Pickering had some key tips to share with us. He suggested that parents play a key role in keeping new drivers safe behind the wheel.  He offered these 3 tips:

• Set good rules and restrictions. Limit times the kids will drive (not at night), set time limits, speed limits, road restrictions and other rules.  Do not have other teens in the car when they drive.  And then parents MUST follow through with appropriate consequences, and enforce the rules.
• Practice, practice, practice! Make sure kids get lots repetitions of various driving scenarios- practice starting, accelerating, turning, stopping and backing up, parking.  Have them practice their driver readiness routine beginning with the9ir seat belt, seat adjustment, adjustment of the mirrors, loights on, etc..  So much of what they need to learn needs to come to them as second nature, and the only way to make things second nature is by doing them repeatedly.  Again, it is parents who should provide this…., not just some driving school.  Find a huge parking lot, and start there and then work you way into a low traffic neighborhood.
• Teach your kids to think ahead and anticipate. They can learn about what turns are ahead, or what potential traffic patterns will be like if we parents will ask them good questions which will help them to consider what’s around the next corner and map the route for where they are heading.

Dr. Pickering has considerable experience both in working with teens as the school Psychologist for Grandview High School, and also as a race car driving instructor.  We were grateful for his input.

Some other thoughts to consider:

1. Practice what you preach. Remember new drivers learn by example too. Your behavior behind the wheel is probably more influential than the driving techniques you teach.

2. Be proactive. Long before your new driver actually gets behind the wheel, you can help him or her become aware of safe driving practices.  Teach them to pump gas, change a tire, know the AAA #, Learn how to jump start the car, What to do if pulled over by Law Enforcement;

3. Plan for potential bad decisions: Tell your Teen – “If you ever  make a bad decision; drinking with friends, at a party or not where you’re supposed to be; even if someone else is driving – if you call me for a ride or for help and I won’t chew you out or react.  I’ll recognize how mature it was of you to call for help.”

4. Keep your temper. Loud voices and big gestures are distracting. If you get angry, calmly instruct your teen to pull off the road.  Remember to praise. Positive reinforcement and compliments can help cement good driving behavior.  “the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness God desires….”

5. Long before they ever drive…,talk to them while you drive and tell them why you do the things you do, and see the things you see.

Finally, the best advice we have to give is what we both have to do right now.  I need to go get a pair of holey jeans.  Okay, now you think I misspelled that, but in truth, it can and should be spelled both ways – ‘holey’ and ‘holy’.  When you have a fifteen year old daughter, you’ll understand, it’s time to wear out your knees… and pray!!

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On Saving Face with Bob and Greg today, we talked about an article hot off the press from Barna Research exploring how different generations view and use the Bible. CHECK OUT THE ARTICLE  We had A real live expert in the house to give us some  perspective. Doug Coons, the Director of Youth Ministries at Upper Arlington Lutheran Church hung out with us in the studio for a couple segments. Listen in. Then tell us what you think…

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Starr recommended that parents avoid lecturing as much as possible.  They can do this by using humor, and by asking just a few questions, and then just drop it for a while.  Since Greg has such a disturbed sense of humor, I think he might actually do better if he lectured his kids into numbness.  Starr also suggested that we parents understand about STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases) so we can offer a little information to our kids and let the facts do the talking.  By the time we got done covering some of this, I realized that, though I’ve talked with my kid about some of this, I need to do it again, this time with a plan on how to be effective in mind!

Greg and I also think we should make sure our kids know how God feels about sex before marriage.  It’s not so much about preaching at them as it is helping them understand we find our source of fulfillment in life by following God.  1 Corinthians 6 offers some wonderful reminders of how to hanlde sexual intimacy in ways that please God.

For more information for parents, or for info on ATM, check out www.missthemess.com.

Our Man Up takeaways included:

1. The more you need for them to know, make sure you LISTEN! – know their world, their friends, their interests.
2. Before you  seek to be understood, make sure you seek first to understand… their thoughts and feelings.  Don’t discount these, even when you disagree with them.
3. Despite how awkward it can feel for both you and for them, make sure you go and really have ‘The Talk’.  And remember that, as they grow, it’s ok to keep checking in with them on this topic.

Okay guys, now it’s up to us to go do it- that is, to talk to our kids!

Is this the Teen? or Parent?

A big hunk of recent brain research these days  is telling us that the brain grows from back to front, and it is the center of the brain which is in the process of forming in early adolescence.  The middle of the brain is the part which handles emotions – go figure!  Interestingly enough, it is also the section which is responsible for bonding.  Our teen’s brains aren’t fully cooked yet!  Our job is to help them learn good responses; to learn what bonding looks and feels like; while the cement is still wet.  The question I’ve got to ask myself is, If my kid is still partly brain dead, do I think acting like that too sometimes will help him/her grow up?” 

If we’ll take time to get into our kids’ worlds it can help!  I know that, in my household, some 80% of the time, the kiddo at least outwardly has less than zero interest in spending time with me.  It’s a bummer.  What ever happened to that little girl who could hardly wait to see me?  Overcoming those feelings of rejection takes work.  Three strategies I’m employing are:
1.  Plan to go places or do things together which they will still moan about, but do them anyway (i.e. run errands, watch a movie or, play a board game together, etc);
2.  Do things with them in their world (i.e. take them and their friends to a concert; play Wii, ask them to tell you about their music, get crushed by them in X-box, etc.);
3.  Make the most of your chauferring time in the car.  Turn the radio off and ask just one question, and then just LISTEN.
Oh yeah by the way, if you do these things and your kid still isn’t responsive, you’ve still succeeded. You didn’t quit.  You kept moving toward them.  And your efforts will mean something good down the road.

Dad’s who model what they want to see; who encourage instead of scream or humiliate; who have well thought out consequences for disrespectful behavior; these dad’s gain the love and respect of their kids.

One last thought, if we can just keep in perspective that these teens of ours are just passing through this stage.  When they get to the other side (for some it won’t be until age 25!), and they look back, they will remember their own knuckleheadedness.  What do we want them to recall when they think about how we acted? 

 I guess it’s time fo us to man up, eh?