Some recent research has come out of the Ohio State University, the University of Chicago, et al, which purports that marriage is good for your health.  Now you and I both know that weddings are certainly not good for anyone’s health!  But as for marriage, I can see both sides of it.  The research identifies what it calls “The Marriage Advantage” which says
Married people are less likely to:

• Get pneumonia
• Develop diabetes
• Have surgery
• Develop cancer
• Have heart attacks
• Wounds take longer to heal
• Have weakened immune system
• Have mood swings
• Have depression
• Lower risk for dementia in middle age
• Have car accidents
• Have violent death like homicide

There is also research which says that couples in which both the husband and wife suppress their anger when one attacks the other die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict.  This of course comes according to preliminary results of a University of Michigan study.  For some odd reason, I seem to put more credence upon the former rather than the latter!  (Go Bucks!!) A major study released last year concluded that single people who have never married have better health than those who married and then divorced.  In yet another study, among couples who exhibited especially high levels of hostility while bickering, wounds took a full two days longer to heal than those of couples who had showed less animosity while fighting!  Hostile marriages actually create a “Marriage Disadvantage”.  According to the research,  it is not the institution of marriage which brings an advantage, but the quality of the relationship which is the key. (As one friend often quotes to me the title of his next book:  The Institution of  Marriage. – But Who Wants to Live in an Institution!!)

I know God knows what He’s doing in His creation and promotion of marriage.  The “Marriage Advantage speaks volumes.  In a world where people are living out of biblical principles, we can see where the ”Marriage Advantage” rings true.   It is when we lose sight of Him, and listen to only our own selfish desires, we all can get caught in the snare and act in ways which dishonor our spouse, and also The One who loves us most.  I’d say there’s some normalcy when that happens once in a while, even in good marriages.  (Not mine of course!!) Problems arise when it becomes a way of being.  That’s where the decline of relational health begins to take its’ toll on physical health.  Suddenly, it becomes all too clear why Paul might have said, “It is good for a man not to marry.”!

I’ve been doing some reading on Happiness.  I’m re-reading an old book by Paul Coleman, Psy.D., entitled 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples.  By his measure, after nearly thirty years of marriage, Linda and I actually stacked up pretty well…, especially if you ignore my contributions to the marriage!
Here recently, I just saw where, at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, they reported on a review of 51 studies that tested attempts to increase happiness.  The results were published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology and guess what they discovered the #1 ingredient for personal happiness was?  – GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!! I’ve always known I was intuitively gifted when it came to sniffing out happiness!!  No, I’m just kidding.  They did not identify that Girl Scout cookies were causal for Happiness.  But they did surface what research determined to be
The 5 ways to be Happier.
Experts attribute about 50% of a person’s Happiness to genes; and another 10% to circumstances—where we live, how much money we make, how healthy we are. That leaves 40% of our happiness in our control. Fortunately, science has much to say about how we can make the most of that 40%. Even small improvements in mood can have accumulative effects.  Here are five things science has recently discovered which can improve happiness:

1. Be grateful 2. Be optimistic 3. Count your blessings 4.Use your strengths 5. Commit acts of kindness

Wow!  Let’s see, the finest minds gather to review all of the happiness research which the psychological big dog, brainiacs have accumulated, and this is the list they come up with?!  Funny, quite some time ago, some off the street, former Jew turned Christian fanatic said repeatedly, “Rejoice always, and in all things, give thanks!” -1 Thessalonians. The same nut then references, “All things work together for good for those who love the Lord…” Romans 8 – talk about optimism!  Then he had the nerve (chutzpah) to make this observation: “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith.” Galatians 6. Then the same guy does some more research and reports his findings to the church at Rome where he says: “Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well.” Romans 12.  Finally this dude, without a Ph.D., LPCC, MD, or a research credential of any sort makes the brash assertion: “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4. On this last one I will cut Paul some slack because he at least referenced a guy who has spent more years researching human behavior and the heart and mind of man more so than any other researcher in history.  When HE talks about secrets to Happiness, I’m gonna pay close attention…, though I have to confess, I still find it hard to believe HE left out Thin Mints!!

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The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. “I love it,” she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mrs. Jones, you haven’t seen the room…just wait.”  “That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she replied. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged… it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it “It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away … just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account … you withdraw from what you’ve put in. So, my advice would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.
(author unknown)

THINK POSITIVE-  “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.  And so it is with you…we are in charge of our Attitudes.” -Charles R. Swindoll

–kudos to Dave Burchett whose own blog article on 5 Ways to be Happier, “Confessions of a Bad Christian” helped with inspiration for this article.

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The above admission came from a TV addict.  Paul kinda talked like this in his letter to the Romans:  ¹⁵I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. ¹⁶Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. ¹⁸For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. ¹⁹For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me.  ²¹So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand.  – Romans 7.15-21
The only thing is, Greg tells me they did not have cable back in the day when Paul was hanging out.  Paul must not have been fighting the urge to watch TV.  Maybe he was Facebook addict. 

So, according to the A.C.Neilson Co., here’s what we’re up against when it comes to TV use and the Family:

• The average American watches more than 4 hours of TV each day (or 28 hours/week, or 2 months of nonstop TV-watching per year). In a 65-year life, that person will have spent 9 years glued to the tube.
• Percentage of households that possess at least one television: 99%
• Number of TV sets in the average U.S. household: 2.24
• Percentage of U.S. homes with three or more TV sets: 66%
• Number of hours per day that TV is on in an average U.S. home: 6 hours, 47 minutes
• Percentage of Americans that regularly watch television while eating dinner: 66%
• Number of hours of TV watched annually by Americans: 250 billion
• Value of that time assuming an average wage of $10/hour: $2.5 trillion
• Percentage of Americans who pay for cable TV: 56%
• Number of videos rented daily in the U.S.: 6 million
• Number of public library items checked out daily: 3 million
  Percentage of Americans who say they watch too much TV: 49%

I’m looking at these numbers, and remembering back to my adolescent days when we actually had a portable TV sitting on the dinner table while we ate together!   Now the true confession – That poor slob who confessed to that TV addiction earlier – that was/is me!  (you probably knew that already, didn’t you?). 

When I’m in front of the TV at night, it mesmerizes me.   As I listen to others of my generation share about their own evening struggles, I find I’m not alone.  We have a hard time braking away from the glowing screen.  Now that it’s in High Def, we’re toast!

It is in my nature to selectively follow biblical principles like –  If your eye offends you, pluck it out.-  and go cut it out entirely.  (No, not my eye, Greg!)  I’m so all or nothing that I feel like I need to dump cable, put the TVs in storage, and just remove the temptation altogether.  Paul’s wisdom again tells me - All things are lawful, but all things are not profitable.  All things are lawful, but I will not be mastered by anything.  So, I believe I need to get some accountability; set a timer when I watch; get rid of the remote and limit myself to one show per sitting.  Someone suggested that I try only watching TV when I’m on the treadmill.  Unfortunatley that wouldn’t get me through viewing only one commercial!  I’d just know I’d wind up yanking the plug on the treadmill, and putting the LazyBoy on it!!

How ’bout you – got any struggles with cable?  Got any secrets you’ve discovered to overcome your TV compulsions?  Let’s talk!

When asked, most guys say they’d be willing to take a bullet for their wife/girlfriend…, but will they push a vacuum?!  We like to look at scriptures which talk about loving our neighbor as ourself  to help us quit being selfish (Phil. 2.3-4).  Keith called into the show on Saturday and pointed out that Jesus turned this up a notch when he said “Love one another as I have loved you.”  Serving others suddenly quits being transactional, and calls us to  give, even when we won’t get back.  Sometimes it means to give, even when the other doesn’t deserve it. 
I (Bob) hate it!   Linda is so much m0re of a servant than I am. Many times when I’m giving of myself, in the back of my mind I’m keeping score!!  Wretched man that I am, who can save me from this body of death?   That’s why, as I grow older, I’m more convinced of my need for a Savior.  The closer to the light I get, the more my cracks and darkness are exposed.  This also happens when you’ve been married a while.  Linda and I have been married nearly 29 years, and the longer we’re in this relationship, the more completely exposed we are – and, the more we are called to live unselfishly and love unconditionally (whether it’s taking a bullet or even – heaven forbid – pushing a vacuum).

Here are nine rules for being an unselfish husband. Can you give me one more to make it a “top ten” list?

An unselfish husband…

10 …won’t make important purchases or decisions without his wife’s collaboration or input.

9 …notices and cares how his wife is doing – tired, happy, frustrated, stressed, amorous, etc.

8 …does things with the wife that she likes to do, even though it’s not his own preference (and this kindness doesn’t get turned into a “trade” or bartering chip afterwards).

7 …respects his wife’s perspectives, opinions and preferences.

6 …accepts his spouse’s “no” when feeling amorous and the spouse is not.

5 …is willing to serve his wife in ways that do not result in either his benefit or accolades.

4 …is willing to put self at risk for the safety or security of his wife.

3 …does not manipulate his wife’s feelings to get what he want

2 …gives affection to his wife more than as just a “come on” for sex!

This week we gained some greater understanding of biblical sexuality.  Not only was the Hon. Jim Sheridan biblically grounded and up on the current research on marital intimacy, but he used his wonderful humor to relate practical ideas for strengthening the marital bond.  This man shared more in the 30 minute segment of our show than most could in three hours  (Greg – Yeah, he never took a breath!)  (Bob – I think he talked at a clip of about 90 words a minute, with gusts up to 180!)  Lotsa wisdom in a very short time.  To purchase Judge Sheridan’s book,  A Blessing for the Heart, go to www.marriagedoneright.com.  It’s an excellent resource!

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The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

I think the most difficult part of understanding women is, just when you start to settle in and get the hang of ‘it’, ‘it’ changes.  Like most guys, I wanna be able to just put the relationship on cruise control to maintain it.  I don’t think about upgrading it, or enhancing it.  Oh, but not my wife.  She will want us to GROW! Do I really have to completely ‘get it’ before I can have a good relationship?

So here’s the deal.  Feel like you need to understand your wife (or girlfriend) fully in order to be effective with her?  Give it up!  Wanna know the secret to keeping her happy?  Quit trying to figure her out.  It’s too exhausting.  Instead, when she needs to talk, just take time to listen to her.  Listen, and don’t interrupt, correct, or try to fix.  Bite your tongue.  Nod periodically and make eye contact (quit glancing at the computer!!) while grunting periodically to show you’re tracking with her.  She’ll feel understood…, even if you don’t really fully understand.  Pretty simple assignment really.  Now Man Up and just do it!  Remember – Happy Wife; Happy Life!!   Oh yeah, by the way, we still have to take out the garbage and fix the leaky faucet!

"Sounds Reel to me!"

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.  So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing, or Sex,” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”
MORAL OF THE STORY:  It’s always good to give our spouses options, and not make demands!

I’m not convinced that we ALWAYS need to give our spouses options, but I definitely know I do much better when my wife doesn’t just ‘let me know’ what she’s gonna be doing.  I feel respected when she chooses to consult me or consider any thoughts I might have about her plans (’cause they generally effect my plans too!).  It helps me see that I’m valued.  I want to treat her with the same respect, and ‘consult’ her before I make plans.

The big complaint I hear from guys is that they feel like they need her permission, and it feels like she’s trying to be his mom.  This ticks them off.  Hey fellas, she’s not your mom!  She’s your wife, and this is what marriage looks like when you choose to share life with a partner.   If you were partners in a business, you probably would be making sure your decisions were copescetic with your partner dude, and vice versa.   Seems like we can lose sight of this when we are feeling controlled or disrespected.  If that’s the case, TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER.  Don’t just go and grab a reel; get REAL!

So now I’d better get to helping my daughter with her homework first so I can go watch the game later….. (okaaay, it was Linda’s ’suggestion’!).

In a society which is increasingly tolerant of sexual exploitation (and just about everything else – except, of course, for those who have conservative values), men are becoming increasingly laissez-faire about porn.  “Objectifying women – Hmmm, now that ought to help me, as a real man,  to develop really good interpersonal attitudes and skills which will prepare me for a life long successful relationship with a woman!” Unfortunately, most of us men aren’t thinking rationally with the correct head when we permit ourselves to get sucked into looking at porn.

There is a wonderful proverb in scripture which says something like, “Above all else, guard your heart; for out of it flows  the wellspring of life.” Aside from being a shameless subliminal plug for my counseling practice, there is vital truth here.  What we put into our minds makes the journey down into our hearts and can never be totally erased.  Images, once consumed and digested, subconsciously linger and will forever haunt our future expectations of, and attitudes towards women. We cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube.  (That’s probably not the best analogy…)  How about, “Garbage in, garbage out.” – what we put in our minds comes out in our attitudes and relationships.

And don’t get me started on those who say using porn while in the bedroom with your spouse will ’spice up’ your sex life!  Let’s see:  Wanna make a woman feel good about herself & feel cherished?  Then by all means look at images of other women so you are not thinking of her when you are engaged in the most intimate and vulnerable state two people can share.  That’ll provide just the boost your quietly eroding relationship needs!  We men are good at compartmentalizing (oooh, that’s my really big word for the day!), which is another way of saying we pretend what we are doing sexually in our minds and with our bodies will not affect our real life relationships.  Sounds kinda ridiculous when you see it in print, now doesn’t it?

Want help?:  Tell another man your struggles and get some accountability before it consumes you (and it will eventually!).  You are not alone in this struggle.  Good men struggle with temptation.
If you think she can handle it, tell your partner about your struggle and ask her to check with you periodically about it.  Look her in the eyes when she asks you about it, and when you respond.  Team up against the problem!

Put the computer in a high traffic area of the home (no Greg, not the driveway!) where others can walk by at any moment.  Go to bed at the same time your wife does.  Late nights are the toughest times for many guys.  Idleness is the devil’s playground.  Get a good porn blocker like those at wisechoice.net or safefamilies.org. Wanna good read which can help?  Check out “Every Man’s Battle” by Arterburn, Stoker and Yorkey.

All of this to say, don’t believe the lie that pornography is not a threat to you and me as men; as image bearers.  The lust we all have at varying levels is a reality we need to bring into the open so we can work together on it, without shame.