I found myself in a tough situation recently. I had been working with a difficult couple for quite a while, and they seemed really stuck.  Though she was open and amenable to making changes in her own behaviors, he refused to refrain from his sarcastic, caustic style of frequently treating her like  she was put on this earth for her husband’s purposes. He was routinely borderline abusive with her. Ultimately, he quit coming to counseling because he did not like what he was hearing from me.  She and I continued to meet, and she pursued Christ feverishly.  She determined to treat her husband as Christ might have asked her to do, setting very good boundaries with him, but also respecting him when he was worthy of respect.  I observed over time, that the emotionally abusive environment was taking a toll on her health.

Some recent research has come out of the Ohio State University, the University of Chicago, et al, which purports that marriage is good for your health.  Now you and I both know that weddings are certainly not good for anyone’s health!  But as for marriage, I can see both sides of it.  The research identifies what it calls “The Marriage Advantage” which says
Married people are less likely to:

• Get pneumonia
• Develop diabetes
• Have surgery
• Develop cancer
• Have heart attacks
• Wounds take longer to heal
• Have weakened immune system
• Have mood swings
• Have depression
• Lower risk for dementia in middle age
• Have car accidents
• Have violent death like homicide

There is also research which says that couples in which both the husband and wife suppress their anger when one attacks the other die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict.  This of course comes according to preliminary results of a University of Michigan study.  For some odd reason, I seem to put more credence upon the former rather than the latter!  (Go Bucks!!) A major study released last year concluded that single people who have never married have better health than those who married and then divorced.  In yet another study, among couples who exhibited especially high levels of hostility while bickering, wounds took a full two days longer to heal than those of couples who had showed less animosity while fighting!  Hostile marriages actually create a “Marriage Disadvantage”.  According to the research,  it is not the institution of marriage which brings an advantage, but the quality of the relationship which is the key. (As one friend often quotes to me the title of his next book:  The Institution of  Marriage. – But Who Wants to Live in an Institution!!)

I know God knows what He’s doing in His creation and promotion of marriage.  The “Marriage Advantage speaks volumes.  In a world where people are living out of biblical principles, we can see where the ”Marriage Advantage” rings true.   It is when we lose sight of Him, and listen to only our own selfish desires, we all can get caught in the snare and act in ways which dishonor our spouse, and also The One who loves us most.  I’d say there’s some normalcy when that happens once in a while, even in good marriages.  (Not mine of course!!) Problems arise when it becomes a way of being.  That’s where the decline of relational health begins to take its’ toll on physical health.  Suddenly, it becomes all too clear why Paul might have said, “It is good for a man not to marry.”!

Greg and I broached the subject of dealing with New Drivers… This after almost being late because we got behind one on the drive over from Hilliard this morning.  Greg kept his cool, as he is oft to do, and we made it with a whole 2 minutes to spare.  Vinnie T. now has heart palpitations!  But, I digress.

Since Greg and I both have budding almost sixteen year old daughters who yearn to be behind the wheel,we’re keenly aware of the issues.

I’ve got an idea:  Let’s wait until our children show the very first signs of emotional maturity, some of which actually last for, oh thirty to sixty minutes at a stretch. Let’s take them nearly a decade before their brains have completely settled into full cognitive and affective function at a time when their hormones are most seriously raging…, and then let’s put them behind the wheel of a 2000 lb. killing machine!  Sounds like the government’s being effective again.

Local Psychologist and Mid Ohio Race Driver trainer, Dr. Eric Pickering had some key tips to share with us. He suggested that parents play a key role in keeping new drivers safe behind the wheel.  He offered these 3 tips:

• Set good rules and restrictions. Limit times the kids will drive (not at night), set time limits, speed limits, road restrictions and other rules.  Do not have other teens in the car when they drive.  And then parents MUST follow through with appropriate consequences, and enforce the rules.
• Practice, practice, practice! Make sure kids get lots repetitions of various driving scenarios- practice starting, accelerating, turning, stopping and backing up, parking.  Have them practice their driver readiness routine beginning with the9ir seat belt, seat adjustment, adjustment of the mirrors, loights on, etc..  So much of what they need to learn needs to come to them as second nature, and the only way to make things second nature is by doing them repeatedly.  Again, it is parents who should provide this…., not just some driving school.  Find a huge parking lot, and start there and then work you way into a low traffic neighborhood.
• Teach your kids to think ahead and anticipate. They can learn about what turns are ahead, or what potential traffic patterns will be like if we parents will ask them good questions which will help them to consider what’s around the next corner and map the route for where they are heading.

Dr. Pickering has considerable experience both in working with teens as the school Psychologist for Grandview High School, and also as a race car driving instructor.  We were grateful for his input.

Some other thoughts to consider:

1. Practice what you preach. Remember new drivers learn by example too. Your behavior behind the wheel is probably more influential than the driving techniques you teach.

2. Be proactive. Long before your new driver actually gets behind the wheel, you can help him or her become aware of safe driving practices.  Teach them to pump gas, change a tire, know the AAA #, Learn how to jump start the car, What to do if pulled over by Law Enforcement;

3. Plan for potential bad decisions: Tell your Teen – “If you ever  make a bad decision; drinking with friends, at a party or not where you’re supposed to be; even if someone else is driving – if you call me for a ride or for help and I won’t chew you out or react.  I’ll recognize how mature it was of you to call for help.”

4. Keep your temper. Loud voices and big gestures are distracting. If you get angry, calmly instruct your teen to pull off the road.  Remember to praise. Positive reinforcement and compliments can help cement good driving behavior.  “the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness God desires….”

5. Long before they ever drive…,talk to them while you drive and tell them why you do the things you do, and see the things you see.

Finally, the best advice we have to give is what we both have to do right now.  I need to go get a pair of holey jeans.  Okay, now you think I misspelled that, but in truth, it can and should be spelled both ways – ‘holey’ and ‘holy’.  When you have a fifteen year old daughter, you’ll understand, it’s time to wear out your knees… and pray!!

“I think I have a problem.  There’s a monster in our den.  It wraps it’s tentacles around me, grips me like a vice, and sucks me in.  Once in it’s grasp I lose the will to fight.  Before I know it, another evening has been lost.  I did not engage. I did not get my workout in.  My wife has gone to bed and I’ve missed another opportunity for quality time with  the kids.”

The above admission came from a TV addict.  Paul kinda talked like this in his letter to the Romans:  ¹⁵I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. ¹⁶Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. ¹⁸For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. ¹⁹For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me.  ²¹So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand.  – Romans 7.15-21
The only thing is, Greg tells me they did not have cable back in the day when Paul was hanging out.  Paul must not have been fighting the urge to watch TV.  Maybe he was Facebook addict. 

So, according to the A.C.Neilson Co., here’s what we’re up against when it comes to TV use and the Family:

• The average American watches more than 4 hours of TV each day (or 28 hours/week, or 2 months of nonstop TV-watching per year). In a 65-year life, that person will have spent 9 years glued to the tube.
• Percentage of households that possess at least one television: 99%
• Number of TV sets in the average U.S. household: 2.24
• Percentage of U.S. homes with three or more TV sets: 66%
• Number of hours per day that TV is on in an average U.S. home: 6 hours, 47 minutes
• Percentage of Americans that regularly watch television while eating dinner: 66%
• Number of hours of TV watched annually by Americans: 250 billion
• Value of that time assuming an average wage of $10/hour: $2.5 trillion
• Percentage of Americans who pay for cable TV: 56%
• Number of videos rented daily in the U.S.: 6 million
• Number of public library items checked out daily: 3 million
  Percentage of Americans who say they watch too much TV: 49%

I’m looking at these numbers, and remembering back to my adolescent days when we actually had a portable TV sitting on the dinner table while we ate together!   Now the true confession – That poor slob who confessed to that TV addiction earlier – that was/is me!  (you probably knew that already, didn’t you?). 

When I’m in front of the TV at night, it mesmerizes me.   As I listen to others of my generation share about their own evening struggles, I find I’m not alone.  We have a hard time braking away from the glowing screen.  Now that it’s in High Def, we’re toast!

It is in my nature to selectively follow biblical principles like –  If your eye offends you, pluck it out.-  and go cut it out entirely.  (No, not my eye, Greg!)  I’m so all or nothing that I feel like I need to dump cable, put the TVs in storage, and just remove the temptation altogether.  Paul’s wisdom again tells me - All things are lawful, but all things are not profitable.  All things are lawful, but I will not be mastered by anything.  So, I believe I need to get some accountability; set a timer when I watch; get rid of the remote and limit myself to one show per sitting.  Someone suggested that I try only watching TV when I’m on the treadmill.  Unfortunatley that wouldn’t get me through viewing only one commercial!  I’d just know I’d wind up yanking the plug on the treadmill, and putting the LazyBoy on it!!

How ’bout you – got any struggles with cable?  Got any secrets you’ve discovered to overcome your TV compulsions?  Let’s talk!

Eastside Grace Bretheren Church in Reynoldsburg is hosting a Family Conference on Saturday October 3 from 8a.m. to 3p.m. and yours truly (Greg) will be one of several presenters who will will be speaking on great and relevant topics! CHECK IT OUT (click)!

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